One road closed sign, an hour and a half phone call with my dad, and a lot of tears later...

and I've decided not to go to school for dental hygiene anymore. I feel so much lighter already.

Can I just brag for a second?

About how amazing it is to have your boyfriend ask what you want to do, and when you say "let's watch a movie" he says "let's watch the stars instead"

:)

i failed a performance test in health skills today.

why is it every time i fail everything in me just screams to give up? why am i so quick to give up?

i feel like im overwhelmed right now. i have way too much on my plate and im so tired i cant chew any of it anyway.

my heart is stirring and begging to spill itself out into a poem too... but i just cant seem to create the words with my heart like i used to be able to.

the good thing about me being so stubborn, is that even when my heart breaks it just strengthens my resistance. i refuse to bow to circumstances. i will overcome. and i guess thats the first step to overcoming - knowing i can.

i've been struggling so much with my confidence lately. things i have never been self conscious about have been areas ive seen and started hating lately.

yesterday at work i was singing to myself while i worked. some lady told me i had a beautiful voice and to never stop singing.

moments like that make me believe dreams come true :)

just in case anyone was thinking about dating someone you only see once a week or less, it sucks.

just in case anyone was thinking it was a good idea to go to work full time and school full time, its exhausting

just saying.

such a long day

and a long week for that matter

i hate it when i fail at loving

i hate failing in general, but when it has to do with my performance, it may draw tears... when it has to do with that moment where you look in someones eyes and see pain or fear, and knowing you put it there... it tears my heart in two.

i don't want t0 be the one harboring that knife inside my tongue, the one that cuts people down. i don't want to hurt precious people.

this seems to be a theme for me. THE theme. i guess of my life. that i want to be known for my love. i just have to remember that doing it perfect isnt so much the goal as doing it for real.

there is nothing like waking up before the sun, lighting a candle, putting in my ipod, and dreaming awake for an hour.

i don't ever want to wear my faith as a title, defining myself as "a christian" and separating myself from others. let me be known for my LOVE.

i want to never forget the trials i have been through. i want to remember both how blessed i am to be spared of so much, but also the way that all my pain has been redeemed. even when it was so deep i didn't think i could bear it another second, He never left my side. and that is enough for me.

i want to thank everyone who has been there to listen, everyone who has encouraged and kept loving me throughout my trials. the smallest things - the comment here, the text message there, the hugs and laughter, they mean so much to me. these things, the demonstrations that i am loved, are the reality my emotional response to circumstance blinds me from. and when you tear that veil, if only for a moment, it makes all the difference.

i am seeing my deepest heart cry answered in the most strangely unexpected fashion. the smallest things i could brush off, but when i look around, like, REALLY look around, its like He's screaming YOU'RE NOT ALONE!!!

and i finally believe him

Just overwhelmed by His faithfulness.

Overcome with passion.

Feel like I can overcome any obstacle.. which is rare.

So impassioned for what lies ahead.

What a beautiful adventure I'm in the midst of.

It's funny how a change of perspective seems to change your circumstances, even when your circumstances don't change at all.

Like how all the pain and frustration, the tears I've been crying, the distance I've felt from Him has made me feel so alone..

but really its a testament to His faithfulness. It's proof that my heart remains soft.

So how can I doubt this is a place He has led me, and He is in it with me.

He has never left or forsaken me. His promises remain, even when I don't see them at work.

And it's not about me anymore. It's about His purposes.

The hopes and dreams in the core of my heart that I've buried with despair and doubt are being shaken from their sleep. There is something for me here. There is something for my generation here. There is an end to the apathy. There is passion. There is life, real life. There is a cloud breaking right here, and there is no need to run away to feel the rain. It can rain on us. And I will call it forth.

"Remove the deferred and you have hope" - Norm Willis

ughhhhhh

ive always had something deep and sad and strange and unsatisfied festering in me, as far back as i can remember.

but ive always had words to express it, at least partially.

i hate that i no longer have words. i try and try... i try not to try. and everything i write is just... blegh

and i don't know how to process anything if i'm like that.

i find myself wishing... wishing.. things i won't even say out loud because they are too scary

maybe thats my problem.

but i dont know how much i can trust...

i'm so tired of loving

and losing.

it's just like, what i was made for.

sometimes i just think some people were created to be happy, and others were created to carry the weight of all the things others don't feel.

probably completely selfish and immature of me, im probably just being weak and pathetic.

i wish i knew what to do to stop being like this.

i wish i would run out of tears.

i wish i wasnt stupid and emo enough to write all this on a blog.

:(

I'm so tired of feeling alone.

There are so many battles to fight. I have learned it is not always about instant victory, but even learning to fight in itself wins a battle within my own heart.

But it's fighting alone that's starting to kill me. The longer I go without encouragement the more I want to give up. I thrive on words of affirmation. I love being reminded that I am not alone.

So why was I placed in such a lonely circumstance? Not that I don't have a couple of people who challenge me not to give up... but I feel like compared to the things in my life that tell me to give up their voices are often buried.

I hear You say "My love is over,
its underneath, its inside, its in between
the times you doubt Me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well My love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
I'm there through your heartache
I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you by My power alone
I dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends, it never ends

i am seriously SO SICK of writer's block.

"My generation's apathy. I'm disgusted with it. I'm disgusted with my own apathy too." - Kurt Cobain

Something inside me that has been dwindling and dying and wasting away for the past year is beginning to stir. Something that has laid dormant far too long is beginning to awaken. Something that has doubted and grasped and questioned and wrestled and wailed and struggled to blacken the faithful light of hope is beginning to be slain. And now something looks around and says is this really all there is? I am so tired of everyone in my life settling. I'm tired of settling. I'm tired of feeling like any attempt I make to burn will be squelched. No one can truly squelch me but myself. What happens when you're dry? You are only the better to burn with passion.

My friend Elsa is so wise. After lending an ear time and time again to my woes and complaints, she had only one statement to make: "so change it."

It's not that easy to change everything else. But I can change me.

I feel complacency in the air around me. It presses in from every corner and squeezes the breath from my lungs. I am weary of allowing it, of lying down to sleep in the midst of it. I want to build a bridge of passion, of dreams, of hope, of love and walk on it above the clouds of apathy.

I hate the stereotypical Christian attitude above all. The one that reduces this life to a lot of words, a certain type of music, a message to be preached. I want to be known by my LOVE! And for how long have i sat back and groped in the dark, hoping my love could sustain itself? There are periods for raw survival but now is a time to feed the fire, to stoke it, to thrive in the midst of adversity. It should not be a world where someone like Kurt Cobain can sense a need for passionate pursuit while the church sits on their hands and complains about the worship music. The hardest battle is against that which fights by not fighting for anything at all.

But one thing I know. I have something alive. And it will not be satisfied. Hype and emotion will not satisfy it, nor will the revelations of others. Time for one more brick on the foundation, one more battle scar from the war in my heart, one more dry twig into a fire, and one day, I will be ablaze.

And maybe one day, another and another will be too. And even the sun will look like darkness in comparison.

Happening

I can’t believe this is

happening

like the fairy tale of

my life finally

happening

Like you peeled away

the layers

and opened up the pages

and finally someone liked

what they

saw in there

And I was afraid

so afraid

to let you in

but you pushed

just a little

so I let you win

and I don’t think

I’ll regret it

no matter what’s ahead

’cause I’m healed and

transformed

by everything you’ve said

You can’t seem

to contain it

and that undoes

my resistance

and I begin to trust

you and your gentle insistence

and I gave you

everything dead and dry inside

with a bitter smile

waiting for you to

give up trying

And you look in my eyes

hypnotized

and you fan a spark

and I’m alight

and I’m dreaming again

and I’m terrified

and I’m breathing you in

as our stories collide

and I melt on your chest

putty in your hands

but you don’t take advantage

and I don’t understand

This is impossible

this is surreal

I’m so overwhelmed

I don’t know what to feel

consume

believe

love

desire

accept

embrace

inspire

me

you

are becoming

consistency

hope

addictive

hope

my best friend

hope

so hold me

tight

hold me…

I can’t believe this is happening

birds

her wings are spread, she's stuck here on the ground. she's not heavy, she's my world, i'll carry her around

lately i have just fallen in love with birds...

i love the freedom they represent. the fact that they can just go whenever, wherever

i'm like a bird, i only fly away, i don't know where my soul is, i don't know where my home is

and then there's the irony of a cage.



and that part is kind of sad. that a creature with total freedom and so much beauty would be caged. that its wings would be clipped. that it would be stuck within one square foot of living space when it has all the blue skies of our world to explore.

may 15, 2008 i wrote "i am not a child with a skinned knee. I am not even a teenager with a broken heart. I’ve moved to a new level. I’m a broken spirit, a broken smile; I’m a bird with broken wings – unsure of my purpose and only able to see from the perspective of one grounded. My heart is so desperate for something it can’t have that it gives up what it already possesses." - and o how little has changed in ways. but in so many ways, so much has changed.

because the thing a bird caged and the thing a bird in the air have in common at ALL times is this - no one can steal their song away from them, even if they try. the only one who can stop their singing is themselves.

though my song be taken from me, yet will i sing

every season shall fade away, either in bursts of hopeful song, or in suffering silence. i shall not lose my voice.

"Be as a bird perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her; still she sings away all the same, knowing she has wings."

i want to thank everyone for all of your encouragement. you help remind me that inside me lies a song of victory and freedom, of hope and of life. no cage, self imposed or otherwise, can keep this voice contained.

i know this wasnt very eloquent. just a mess, like my thoughts.

My whole life I have always thought I was made to help people. When I help people, I feel like it's what I was born to do.

Somewhere along this week... I realized no one I've ever tried to help has really changed. They all just get worse and worse. And I am almost out of hope.

Strength

"It was a beautiful letdown when you found me here... yeah for once in a rare blue moon, I see everything clear. I'll be a beautiful letdown, that's what I'll forever be. And though it may cost my soul I'll sing for free."

Often these days a thought comes into my head. It comes randomly, like when I am washing my hair in the shower, or at night when I switch the light off and climb between the sheets alone... is there any great love story that isn't colored with tragedy?

I would submit that there is not. There is always a struggle. There is always a fight. Even our Great Romance is colored by death; having to enter into it in order to overcome it.

And then I think about this; why is it always so much easier for me to remember the bad stuff? I hold onto every hurtful thing someone says to me and paint it into the picture I have of myself in my mind. I heard some painful words from people this past week. The kind that cut deep into my heart more because they reflect what I also see when I look in the mirror than because they "offend" me. And when that happens, I try so hard to remember the good things people have looked in my eyes or taken time to write down over the years that they see in me... but even if I recall them, I find them difficult to reconcile.

A few days ago, with that in the back of my mind, I was digging through my mom's filing cabinets. She has several folders labeled with my name. And I was looking, quite unsuccessfully I might add, through all of them trying to find my Social Security card. And instead I found a note from my grandma.

... Remember the prayers that were said for you. Believe me when I say they stay with you your whole life. And when you get older and you are tempted to abandon the things you were raised to believe, remember it takes a stronger person to say no. It is weak to say yes.

It felt pretty epic, digging through a bunch of documents, finding a random old note from my grandma and breaking into hysterical tears there alone on the floor of an empty house. But for the millionth time, something broke in me and I found the strength to fight once again, if only for a while longer.

I have been exhausted and disappointed by the notion that the wretched mess I am is going to be a once and for all fix. I am sick of feeling like a a failure simply because I am an emotional roller coaster. I am tired of losing battles merely because I am overwhelmed by the time and strength it will take to win them.

I don't know much... I don't know if the good things people have said are more true than the bad things. I don't know how much longer I will be confused and frustrated and living off of just enough strength to make it through a day at a time. I don't know how long it will take for me to move forward and stay forward.

But I do know this. I am a strong person. I will not succumb to the temptation to give up, no matter how much easier it would be. I will say no. Though I may be unsure of any other qualities that may or may not define me, this I am sure of.

So what if I'm a letdown? I'm loved, and that makes me strong. And strength makes me beautiful.

<3

Hurt and Hope

The defining moments of my life are always negative.

Seriously. And it makes me sad... that whenever I think of the biggest, most life changing things, it seems to be the sad things.

Should I try harder, maybe, to let the good things stick instead of the bad things?
Should I try to forget the hard things, and throw myself into the happy things?
It seems like the right thing to do, for a moment..

But then I realize most of those painful things are things that don't hurt me anymore. They are just stories, stories that remind me of how far I've come. Stories that prove what I was rescued out of.

They have become the beautiful things.

And every time I accomplish a deed I am sure I will spend every second of my remaining days regretting, redemption surprises me once again, turning a broken cry into a song. Sewing up a broken heart with threads of beauty and purpose.

And then I think, how can I feel bad that my life is woven through a series of painful events? Because though pain may be at the beginning of everything memorable, beauty comes out the victor at the end of every battle, wiping a slate wrought and muddled with desolation clean, and painting a delicate symbol of life across the top.

Hurt is the roots. Hope is the flower.

And every memory is beautiful.

Knowing that You'll save me

"And this is how I choose to live, as if I'm jumping off a cliff, knowing that You'll save me, knowing that You'll save me, and after all the stupid things I did there's nothing left there to forgive, cause You already forgave me, You already forgave me."

Yes I have broken through, yes I have felt the recent downpoor, the lifting of the sorrow I bore in my desert season, yes I have had the privilege of not reaching a point of despair...

but this is what I have found in my heart this week.
bitterness.

And lots of questions why... why does it always take me taking the long road, why does it always take sacrifice... why do the things that please Him seem to pain me so much? And why can He not give me an answer?

And I find my relationship so defined by revelations other than my own.

And this is the most difficult thing of all, because when I try to approach Him, when I try to read His word, or worship, or anything else... I find before His voice reaches my ears, before His touch can quicken my heart, before I can grasp His presence with my spirit... I am met with a thousand other opinions and speculations and angles, all from outside sources... messages I have heard, books I have read...

not that those things are bad, but I think I am getting to a deeper place with it. I think I am down to the foundations now. I am realizing the cracks in it. I am seeing the need to fill them.

With His voice. With His revelation to MY heart. With my trusting HIM instead of trusting what I have been told or taught about Him.

And I have stayed away, because I don't want more pain. I don't want Him to ask me to give up anything else.

But I can't stand being apart from Him any longer.

So tonight I am going to fight.
Tonight I am going to jump.
Tonight I am going to trust.
Tonight I am going to cry.
Tonight I am going to sing.
Tonight I will be romanced again.
Destroyed
made new
and ultimately set free.

I fling wide my arms, He will fling wide His gates, and so will be the embrace I have long closed myself to.


<3

All we are, we are

I'm so tired, but so restless. I keep thinking of this idea I've had for a poem for months, but every time I try to write it, it becomes a huge mess and I scribble it out and toss aside my notebook in frustration. I think my revelation on it must not be full enough for me to write it yet. So instead of attempting again right now, I am pondering the skeleton, the basis, the foundation - the idea around which I attempt to weave the words to paint the picture that lives in my heart. And I was reminded of a blog I wrote back when I was 18, on my myspace, right before my first year in master's commission. A blog I've gone back and re-read a few times. A blog that reminds me... that anchors me once again. And I thought I'd repost it..

How many times have I lived in the past, wishing to make things different, pining after things I couldn't have, dwelling on my regrets? Or how many times have I thought about how if I could just make it through a certain moment and into the future, everything would be so much better? Why do I live like that? Why is it so hard for me to live in the present and enjoy every moment of it? The past is just that; the past. Over and done with. And the future is the future, I'll make it there eventually. But these are the moments when every part of my life is shaped. Why do I choose to let them slip by so often?

People say its what you do that defines you; I used to agree with that. But recently someone told me its not what I do that defines me - I have been defined from the beginning and all I have to do is allow God to make me into what He designed me for in the first place. So all those times in the past that I've been hurt in and haven't been able to put behind me - those will be the scars I'll be the most thankful for. The mistakes I've made and hated myself for - they will become my greatest strengths. The future Ive longed for to escape the present - it's huge and boundless and waiting for me. And this is now. This is where I wanna live. Through this moment while my heart breaks thinking of having to leave those I love so much. Through the tears and smiles, the light and darkness. Through the good times and the bad. By laying it all down and letting God break me out of this shell and mold me. These are the moments I'll cherish. I won't forget where I came from and I won't worry about where I'm going. I wanna be open. Free. Vulnerable. I wanna feel alive again.

So here I go.

This got me thinking to a book I love, called Hope for the Flowers. In it a caterpillar learns about becoming a butterfly and as she begins cautiously to spin a cocoon, she thinks to herself "if I have inside me the stuff to make cocoons, maybe the stuff of butterflies is there too."

I think right now I am seeing again, just as I began to see when I was 18, that I am who I am. All I was and am going to be is curled up somewhere inside of me, waiting for a reason to burst through my skin and become present. But it takes risk, it takes risk to live in the present. It takes courage. It takes a yielding of your will, to be who you are.

"Right now we are here, and nothing can mar our perfection"

-The Time Traveler's Wife

The weapon of love

"Don't be afraid little warrior bride, victory's on the other side."

I had a dream the other night.

As you may know, I am prone to nightmares. Namely ones in which I am being attacked, or chased, and no one is there to help me, or people are right there but they cant see me, they can't hear me... and I am defenseless, and frozen in fear... and I always wake up terrified. Often too terrified to fall back asleep.

I have found the best way to avoid these types of dreams is to fall asleep while talking to someone. But sometimes they come all the same.

I was having one of these dreams a few nights ago. Someone broke into my house with a gun and was looking to attack my family. Inside of my dream, I somehow knew it wasn't real and was struggling to wake up, but I couldn't. Suddenly I realized, this is my dream, and I grabbed a butcher knife and faced my attacker. "I'm not scared of you" she declared to my face. And then I felt it, courage washing over me. I knew I would win this, if only I tried. So I stood my ground. I chose to win. And once I made my choice, there was no changing my fate. I overcame.

I am facing so many rejection issues right now. With every job I apply for, I get my hopes up and watch them crumble to the ground again. I finally got as far as an interview 2 weeks ago... and then was informed they filled the position, and always echoing in the back of my mind is this... there's someone else, ALWAYS someone else, someone better...

I mean thats just how it's been for me. I never seem to win.

Then there's this battle with my weight, and on top of it my body image in general. I am SUUUCH an emotional eater. I always have been. I get on top of eating healthy and exercising for a while, then something happens, good or bad or stressful or sad that compels me to eat something, anything, to comfort myself. And I give in and stop trying once again.

I stop trying, but I never stop caring.

Because once it all goes downhill again I get stuck in this comparing and losing game with any girl anywhere I see who has the type of body I want. Movies, magazines, maybe just a friend. Always someone who isn't me. And I think, if only..

I am seeing that in order to reach a victory, I have to make up my mind to fight. And if I make up my mind to fight, I have to grasp a weapon. In fact, the decision not to let a fear or habit beat me is, in itself, an action. It's not a matter of immediately eliminating the fear... the fear of rejection, the fear of even trying to reach a goal because I have failed so many times... it's more a matter of FACING the fear, weapon in hand, and conquering strike by strike, even though it stares right back at me in defiance.

And I think the weapon that defeats every fear is love. Many things can stand against it, challenge it, accuse it, hinder it, discourage it... but nothing can overcome it, not in the end.

So I reach out to grasp now the kind of love that overcomes that crippling fear of inadequacy and rejection. I reach out to grasp the love that says I am worth being taken care of, though I may not believe it. And I reach out to grasp the love that offers perfect acceptance and peace.

And with that, I will fight the giants of the job market, the monsters of the culture, and most of all, the whispering scars within my own heart.

And as I believe...

Love is invincible facing danger and death. Passion laughs at the terrors of hell.

...love will win the day.

<3

Wonderland

"Sometimes I believe in as many as six impossible things before breakfast"

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this movie. In addition to envying Alice's wardrobe, admiring the beautiful masterpiece Tim Burton created, and falling in love with Avril Lavigne's latest song, I was left with a deep and thought provoking reminder...

What I choose to believe can create or destroy my destiny. If I don't know who I am, can I truly accomplish anything? If I let the opinions of others define me, I cannot fulfill my purpose.

But if I believe in the impossible and let myself become "much more muchier" in spite of my inability to see the future and regardless of the approval of others... if I take what is given to me and trust the transformation process, I will be equipped for the moment at hand, I will fulfill my destiny.

Perhaps I am stretching the Alice metaphor way too far. Maybe it really is just ridiculous drug influenced nonsense. But to me, it seemed to speak of faith. And faith is really just "hope mixed with trust". So maybe my life is something of a Wonderland. And I am loving the adventure.


<3

Rain

"So stand in the rain, stand your ground. Stand up when it's all crashing down, you stand through the pain, you won't drown... And one day, whats lost can be found."

It's rainy season finally, and I couldn't be happier. I love everything about the rain. I love the way it looks outside, I love the way it smells, I love the feeling of it on my skin, I love seeing the raindrops splash into the puddles they are forming.

A lot of people are worried here because of the horrible flooding a couple of years ago... but I am too happy to be worried right now. :) I feel like I have somehow won a battle. Like what is happening outside of my window is simultaneously happening in my spirit, in my heart. It was 8 months ago I felt the Lord tell me He was leading me into the desert. That He was going to strip away all the things I had used to give me a sense of security and identity apart from Him. That it was going to be dry and painful and confusing. I said yes and let Him lead me there, through one plan after another falling through, losing relationships, missing the sound of His voice. I soaked my pillow in tears numerous times, I poured out my heart on paper over and over, I asked Him questions I had never dared to ask before. Just when I thought I had hit rock bottom, it seemed I began to fall down even further.

But inside I knew it wouldn't last forever. I tried everything I could to keep my heart soft and not just lie down, defeated in the face of my emotions and circumstances. I failed many times, but I never let go of hope.

And now, it seems, clouds have formed and they are beginning to break over my desert. Refreshing and life-giving rain is spilling out over my world. Drowning my fears and washing away my doubts. I have learned to trust. I have learned how to keep hope alive. I have learned to find beauty in a place that seems to lack abundantly in every way. I have learned... I am learning.

The desert and parched land will be glad, the wilderness will rejoice and blossom... water will gush forth in the wilderness, and streams in the desert. The burning sand will become a pool, the thirsty ground bubbling springs... and the ransomed of the LORD will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away."

<3

Simplicity

I realized something.
My world has been covered in snow for 3 months, and I have been cold and miserable. I have spent several minutes bundling up every time I am about to go outside, whined incessantly while scraping my windows, cursed the road every time I go sliding out of control whenever I turn a corner, and wished moment after moment for spring to arrive...
But I haven't made any snowmen. I haven't gone sledding, thrown a snowball, or tasted a snowflake.
I haven't even thought of it.
And it made me think, how often I let the little opportunities for joy pass me by. I will get so consumed in the concerns of something, like snow, that I completely miss the opportunity to have a little fun that I could never have at any other time of the year.
Why is that stuff so much simpler to see when you're a kid? You never think it's gloomy because its raining, you just see puddles to jump in, and water droplets chasing each other down your window. You don't see weeds ruining a beautiful green landscape, you see fuzzy soft dandelions to make a wish on and blow away. The world is a playground, the sky is a canvas for your imagination, life is at your disposal and joy is around every corner. You don't see obstacles, frustrations and dead ends, you see opportunities, hope, and open windows.
I don't want to lose that innocence, that spark. I don't want to lose the eyes of a child, the heart of simplicity. I want to be able to stand alone in my bedroom and watch another world spring up around me.

<3

Everything

Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him... sin didn't, and doesn't, have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. When it's sin versus grace, grace wins hands down. All sin can do is threaten us with death, and that's the end of it. Grace, because God is putting everything together again through the Messiah, invites us into life—a life that goes on and on and on, world without end. Romans 5, The Message

Every time I watch this video, I get wrecked. I see myself all throughout it. Beaten down, torn away, losing my vision of my first love. And Him always, always pulling me through. Him always, always taking on whatever comes between us. Him always, always loving me.

There are a lot of fears and insecurities I am facing today. I have been aware of them for a long time, but not really faced them. And now facing them scares me. Doesn't scare me so much just to acknowledge it... I'd already gotten that far before. It more scares me that... I have built this perspective on myself, on my future, on people and relationships... and I have built so much of it on a foundation of fears and flaws and failure. And now, when I already feel like I'm afloat on nothing but a stormy sea; unsure, unpredictable, unsteady... I have to lift my anchor. The fears and flaws and failures that have been my consistency. My faulty belief system about myself that has been the one unchanging aspect of my life for as long as I can remember. To believe that I am what He says about me. To believe that I can do more than survive. To believe I am worth sticking around for. To believe people can see through my intense emotional baggage and find something they love and not run away...
All things I have acknowledged I have a hard time believing... but to take the next step to actually let go, let Him take them away, and believe in His voice to be my consistency instead. Believe in His love to be my anchor. "You calm my storms and You give me rest, You hold me in Your hands, You won't let me fall. You still my heart and You take my breath away, would You take me in, take me deeper now"
This will be my heart's cry. I will trust; He will see me through. And my heart will rejoice.

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Broken

I am at the end of myself.

I have spent every day for the last 2 weeks crying.

It's just one of those seasons where I question whether my life is going anywhere. It's emotionally draining to keep applying and applying and never getting a job. To think I heard the Lord and then not see the doors opening. It is hard to hold onto hope when it seems like everything that makes me happy is only allowed to remain in my life for a while and then it is either taken away or He asks me to lay it down.

And I keep trying - I keep trying to embrace it. To trust and believe that He is good in the midst of anything and everything that hurts. But lately it hurts so much it seems I can't even hear Him...

I feel like my heart has liquefied within me and just spilled out on the ground. Poured out - nothing holding me together. I keep thinking of Elijah on Mount Carmel when God sent fire on the sacrifice that even burned up the water.
I hope that happens to my heart.

But even through the pain, something inside me whispers this is right. At last my heart is broken and contrite. At last nothing else will satisfy. No person, no place, nothing. I knew He was leading me into the desert... I just didn't realize what the desert would be like.

"Then the Lion said - but I don't know if it spoke - 'you will have to let me undress you.' I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back and let him do it. The very first tear he made was so deep I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off... well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off - just as I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt... then he caught hold of me - I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I had no skin on - and threw me in the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm... after a bit the lion took me out and dressed me in new clothes." - Eustace, Voyage of the Dawn Treader

^ That's my hope

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Beauty in a Garbage Heap

"Find my heart at the bottom of the well I'm in. Lower Your strong hand down and rescue me. See my soul in the place I fell into. Lift my head from the shame I've bowed down to. Speak to me in my lonely place. Raise me up when no hope seems to remain. It's just like You to bring life to these dry bones, it's just like You to bring beauty to ashes, it's just like You to bring light into darkness... it's just like You, Lord, it's just like You."

Sometimes I am just a mess. Sometimes my life looks like trash and I am just picking up the pieces trying to find the beauty, trying to to find the purpose that little nagging voice inside keeps insisting is there. Sometimes I find it, like a flower emerging from the rubble, daring me to believe that there is life outside of my heart as well as inside, beckoning me to hope for more. But sometimes I don't see the beauty, sometimes I just have to trust that it's there. That if I dig a little more, push a little further, breathe a little deeper, I will find it; but maybe not now, maybe not today... maybe for today I just need to be patient.

Sometimes I know He is holding me... but I just don't feel it. Sometimes feeling it isn't important. Fact is, He is good. He brings beauty to ashes. It's just like Him. He is life. He IS hope. He is love. He is all I need and I have Him.

Maybe today the beauty is in a piece of broken glass, a shard of what was, with the ability to reflect reality. No it is not alive, it is just reflecting... but it's something. And that's enough for me. :)


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Love me in the pain

"Tides they turn, and hearts disfigure but that's no concern when we're wounded together"

I was talking to my youth pastor once. Ranting about how much I need to figure out and sort through and heal from before I could ever be in a relationship. He looked at me and said "Yeah I see your point... but Abby, wait for someone who can see you even in the midst of your pain, with scars, with maybe some unresolved issues... and love you in it."
It stuck with me.
For my entire life I've been of the mind that I need to figure so many things out on my own. That I need to get to a certain place alone with Jesus before I can invite other people into that part of my heart. And there is a place for intimacy. In the deepest places, only He can reach down and heal the wounds. And He is our First Love - nothing and no one should ever come before.
But I guess what I am realizing now is that He can and desires to use other people to reveal different pieces of His heart. It may be from a place I expect, and it may be from the place I least expect.
What I do know is this - it is not by my own design that healing comes. I give my pain to Him first - He provides the solution. Through a piece of art, a piece of creation, His word, another person... whatever the source... He IS love.And "He is revealed in our love" (TWLOHA).
So I will breathe. I will love. I will open my heart... and I will be alive.
Maybe this is over simplified.
But I'm healing.

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Promise

Teach me what this means.
Shatter expectations.
Wash away the haunting nightmares as love overcomes fear.
Scare away my pain.
Accept my invitation.
Cover me as clouds cover the sun on rainy days.
Show me how to breathe.
Steal my bleak surrender.
Whisper to me from miles away until I feel you near.
Change my life today.
Make my hard heart tender.
Put your arms around me now and promise that you'll stay.

Purpose for the Pain

From Renee Yohe's journal her first try in rehab

"Today I choose to feel the pain of sitting through a feeling, the terror in realizing that I am powerless over so many things, and the joy in knowing that I do not experience these things alone. I fight my feet when they beg me to run and battle my mind in its attempts to protect me from remembering the things I worked so hard to forget. Today I choose to fight, to stand in front of the mirror and let God hold my hand as I wake up the dead and face them head on. Today is a constant war for healing, and today is filled with promise and potential. I have dreams and goals of changing the world, of leaving a true legacy of love and redemption. I long to be a catalyst for a revolution. But, the most beautiful thing about all of this is that this redemption I've experienced was not my own doing, but that of One who is far greater than I. It is not my hands that keep my arms from scars or my mouth from quenching its thirst in pretty poison. It is a God who loves me, who carries me when I am too weak, and He has been, He always was. I just wouldn't let Him. The hope that I had in Him was the rope that I clung to through the darkest of days. When I was in highschool I met a girl who introduced me to this prayer, 'God make me a shining star in the universe, give me ears to hear, eyes to see, and a heart to understand.' This has been the prayer of my heart, my hope. The idea that God could take the ugliest, darkest corners of our lives and expose it, make our secrets transparent and shine through them, is what fuels me. I want nothing more than to share my heart with the hope that God would take my pain and give it purpose, beauty and use it to redeem those who may find themselves somewhere in these pages. There IS a purpose for the pain. It is called redemption." - Purpose for the Pain, Renee Yohe

I love this book. It is stirring my passions, my vision, my heart. It is giving me hope. Reminding me that dreams come true, reassuring me that He will use it all - every failure, every flaw, every pain I let Him walk me through. It is reminding me not to give up on the people who have given up on themselves, who have planted themselves into my heart. There is power in remembering. Love heals all wounds. Hope triumphs over fear. He is redemption. And hidden inside His wounds, there is no room for regret.

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Rules

Rules. Rules. Rules. Rules. Rules.

Who makes them? That's the burning question in my mind. Who puts a price on somebody's passion? Why do we have to do what makes sense all the time? Why do we trade what we love for what is practical? What if our passion is impractical? What if you want to pursue your dreams and society tells you no. The world tells you no. The church tells you no. The economy tells you no. What do you do? Settle?

I'd rather dream of impossible things.

I'd rather color outside of the lines.

I'd rather defy gravity.

I'd rather... but do I have the courage? The strength to swim against the tide? To be compelled by an internal longing rather than an external demand? Does my passion burn brightly enough?

I think I'll stoke the fire in my heart and let it consume me. Let the flames lick away at my fear and misgivings. Then at least if it burns out, it's not because it was squelched.

Some rules are just made to be broken.

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Roots & Wings

Gimli: Tell me, Legolas, why did I come on this quest? Little did I know where the chief peril lay! Truly Elrond spoke, saying that we could not foresee what we might meet upon our road. Torment in the dark was the danger that I feared, and it did not hold me back. But I would not have come, had I known the danger of light and joy. Now I have taken my worst wound at this parting, even if I were to go this night straight to the dark lord.
Legolas: Such is the way of it, to find and lose, as it seems to those whose boat is on the running stream. But I count you blessed, Gimli son of Gloin: for your loss you suffer of your own free will, and you might have chosen otherwise.

Isn't this such a picture of life? I fear for the worst... but the worst is easy compared to the best. Life is made up of giving regardless of what the future holds. Home is within the deposits you make in the lives of others. Love is wherever you have made a heart connection with someone else. Often I have wished to be what seems "normal". To have roots without wings. But instead it seems over and over I am called to pour myself into something or someone and then removed from it. Or I give everything I have and never see the fruit.

Now I have begun to notice this pattern in my life, and I have a natural way of dealing; I pull away. I try not to care so much, or not to give as deeply. But when I do... I live restlessly. And so I begin to see that the dark and dangerous things are the predictable pains, the ones I would choose for myself; the ones I know I can handle. But the light and joy, this I am only worthy to encounter and participate in by His grace and will, and the pain I endure in it is the highest. To pour out my whole heart over and over again to those I have been given to love is an honor beyond measure. May I forever suffer the loss of myself into the joy of relationship at my own free will, and be ruined for anything less.

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