Knowing that You'll save me

"And this is how I choose to live, as if I'm jumping off a cliff, knowing that You'll save me, knowing that You'll save me, and after all the stupid things I did there's nothing left there to forgive, cause You already forgave me, You already forgave me."

Yes I have broken through, yes I have felt the recent downpoor, the lifting of the sorrow I bore in my desert season, yes I have had the privilege of not reaching a point of despair...

but this is what I have found in my heart this week.
bitterness.

And lots of questions why... why does it always take me taking the long road, why does it always take sacrifice... why do the things that please Him seem to pain me so much? And why can He not give me an answer?

And I find my relationship so defined by revelations other than my own.

And this is the most difficult thing of all, because when I try to approach Him, when I try to read His word, or worship, or anything else... I find before His voice reaches my ears, before His touch can quicken my heart, before I can grasp His presence with my spirit... I am met with a thousand other opinions and speculations and angles, all from outside sources... messages I have heard, books I have read...

not that those things are bad, but I think I am getting to a deeper place with it. I think I am down to the foundations now. I am realizing the cracks in it. I am seeing the need to fill them.

With His voice. With His revelation to MY heart. With my trusting HIM instead of trusting what I have been told or taught about Him.

And I have stayed away, because I don't want more pain. I don't want Him to ask me to give up anything else.

But I can't stand being apart from Him any longer.

So tonight I am going to fight.
Tonight I am going to jump.
Tonight I am going to trust.
Tonight I am going to cry.
Tonight I am going to sing.
Tonight I will be romanced again.
Destroyed
made new
and ultimately set free.

I fling wide my arms, He will fling wide His gates, and so will be the embrace I have long closed myself to.


<3