All we are, we are

I'm so tired, but so restless. I keep thinking of this idea I've had for a poem for months, but every time I try to write it, it becomes a huge mess and I scribble it out and toss aside my notebook in frustration. I think my revelation on it must not be full enough for me to write it yet. So instead of attempting again right now, I am pondering the skeleton, the basis, the foundation - the idea around which I attempt to weave the words to paint the picture that lives in my heart. And I was reminded of a blog I wrote back when I was 18, on my myspace, right before my first year in master's commission. A blog I've gone back and re-read a few times. A blog that reminds me... that anchors me once again. And I thought I'd repost it..

How many times have I lived in the past, wishing to make things different, pining after things I couldn't have, dwelling on my regrets? Or how many times have I thought about how if I could just make it through a certain moment and into the future, everything would be so much better? Why do I live like that? Why is it so hard for me to live in the present and enjoy every moment of it? The past is just that; the past. Over and done with. And the future is the future, I'll make it there eventually. But these are the moments when every part of my life is shaped. Why do I choose to let them slip by so often?

People say its what you do that defines you; I used to agree with that. But recently someone told me its not what I do that defines me - I have been defined from the beginning and all I have to do is allow God to make me into what He designed me for in the first place. So all those times in the past that I've been hurt in and haven't been able to put behind me - those will be the scars I'll be the most thankful for. The mistakes I've made and hated myself for - they will become my greatest strengths. The future Ive longed for to escape the present - it's huge and boundless and waiting for me. And this is now. This is where I wanna live. Through this moment while my heart breaks thinking of having to leave those I love so much. Through the tears and smiles, the light and darkness. Through the good times and the bad. By laying it all down and letting God break me out of this shell and mold me. These are the moments I'll cherish. I won't forget where I came from and I won't worry about where I'm going. I wanna be open. Free. Vulnerable. I wanna feel alive again.

So here I go.

This got me thinking to a book I love, called Hope for the Flowers. In it a caterpillar learns about becoming a butterfly and as she begins cautiously to spin a cocoon, she thinks to herself "if I have inside me the stuff to make cocoons, maybe the stuff of butterflies is there too."

I think right now I am seeing again, just as I began to see when I was 18, that I am who I am. All I was and am going to be is curled up somewhere inside of me, waiting for a reason to burst through my skin and become present. But it takes risk, it takes risk to live in the present. It takes courage. It takes a yielding of your will, to be who you are.

"Right now we are here, and nothing can mar our perfection"

-The Time Traveler's Wife