Broken

I am at the end of myself.

I have spent every day for the last 2 weeks crying.

It's just one of those seasons where I question whether my life is going anywhere. It's emotionally draining to keep applying and applying and never getting a job. To think I heard the Lord and then not see the doors opening. It is hard to hold onto hope when it seems like everything that makes me happy is only allowed to remain in my life for a while and then it is either taken away or He asks me to lay it down.

And I keep trying - I keep trying to embrace it. To trust and believe that He is good in the midst of anything and everything that hurts. But lately it hurts so much it seems I can't even hear Him...

I feel like my heart has liquefied within me and just spilled out on the ground. Poured out - nothing holding me together. I keep thinking of Elijah on Mount Carmel when God sent fire on the sacrifice that even burned up the water.
I hope that happens to my heart.

But even through the pain, something inside me whispers this is right. At last my heart is broken and contrite. At last nothing else will satisfy. No person, no place, nothing. I knew He was leading me into the desert... I just didn't realize what the desert would be like.

"Then the Lion said - but I don't know if it spoke - 'you will have to let me undress you.' I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back and let him do it. The very first tear he made was so deep I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off... well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off - just as I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt... then he caught hold of me - I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I had no skin on - and threw me in the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm... after a bit the lion took me out and dressed me in new clothes." - Eustace, Voyage of the Dawn Treader

^ That's my hope

<3