Strength

"It was a beautiful letdown when you found me here... yeah for once in a rare blue moon, I see everything clear. I'll be a beautiful letdown, that's what I'll forever be. And though it may cost my soul I'll sing for free."

Often these days a thought comes into my head. It comes randomly, like when I am washing my hair in the shower, or at night when I switch the light off and climb between the sheets alone... is there any great love story that isn't colored with tragedy?

I would submit that there is not. There is always a struggle. There is always a fight. Even our Great Romance is colored by death; having to enter into it in order to overcome it.

And then I think about this; why is it always so much easier for me to remember the bad stuff? I hold onto every hurtful thing someone says to me and paint it into the picture I have of myself in my mind. I heard some painful words from people this past week. The kind that cut deep into my heart more because they reflect what I also see when I look in the mirror than because they "offend" me. And when that happens, I try so hard to remember the good things people have looked in my eyes or taken time to write down over the years that they see in me... but even if I recall them, I find them difficult to reconcile.

A few days ago, with that in the back of my mind, I was digging through my mom's filing cabinets. She has several folders labeled with my name. And I was looking, quite unsuccessfully I might add, through all of them trying to find my Social Security card. And instead I found a note from my grandma.

... Remember the prayers that were said for you. Believe me when I say they stay with you your whole life. And when you get older and you are tempted to abandon the things you were raised to believe, remember it takes a stronger person to say no. It is weak to say yes.

It felt pretty epic, digging through a bunch of documents, finding a random old note from my grandma and breaking into hysterical tears there alone on the floor of an empty house. But for the millionth time, something broke in me and I found the strength to fight once again, if only for a while longer.

I have been exhausted and disappointed by the notion that the wretched mess I am is going to be a once and for all fix. I am sick of feeling like a a failure simply because I am an emotional roller coaster. I am tired of losing battles merely because I am overwhelmed by the time and strength it will take to win them.

I don't know much... I don't know if the good things people have said are more true than the bad things. I don't know how much longer I will be confused and frustrated and living off of just enough strength to make it through a day at a time. I don't know how long it will take for me to move forward and stay forward.

But I do know this. I am a strong person. I will not succumb to the temptation to give up, no matter how much easier it would be. I will say no. Though I may be unsure of any other qualities that may or may not define me, this I am sure of.

So what if I'm a letdown? I'm loved, and that makes me strong. And strength makes me beautiful.

<3