I'm so good at procrastinating.
Really, it's impressive.
First, I thought I was cool because I wrote a 6 page persuasive essay over 2 days this weekend. But I just really blew my own mind and wrote a 4 page paper about Buddhism in an hour.
I mean, I guess I need to wait for my grades before I get excited, but I still feel pretty awesome.
The only close male friend I had is moving tomorrow. Went out to dinner one last time tonight. It had been over a month.
It just makes me so frustrated with myself. I try to cherish relationships and pour myself into them and always make time. But he was here all along and I didn't make time in my schedule for him until he was leaving. I have done stuff like that all my life, I suppose we all do. As Buddhism indicates, the disease of humanity is our drive for self-satisfaction. It is from this drive that blossoms the majority of our pain and suffering. There is so much evidence in my life of it.
But then again, I am not a Buddhist, and selfishness is at the core of humanity and in many ways, in all life. I suppose having my own life going on isn't something to feel guilty about. Maybe it's just being more aware of my time and taking care to invest it in the most worthwhile places. Depression can be socially crippling. Sometimes its hard to answer that phone when it rings, even if I desperately want to. It's hard to leave my home and go elsewhere, because people are draining when they aren't in your pain with you and they don't understand. But those are the decisions that will keep my eyes off of myself long enough to love others, and not have regrets.
Just one more punch to depression. Someday, I'll get there.