Wow, it has been a bit since I have stumbled into the blogging world to bare my soul.
Sometimes I think it is hard to write in a blog because I feel so exposed and exploring feelings, fears and revelations in front of anyone can be so exhausting.
But this week, someone very dear to me is moving, and I just can't seem to fall asleep tonight because I am arguing in my mind back and forth about regret.
I have always had a goal to live life without regret, I have always believed that things work out for the best, that things happen for a reason, that pain and love and loss are never for nothing. Because love should always win.
But I think about loved ones who have died. Grandparents, my uncle, such fresh wounds. And I think about the time I knew I should be spending with them and didn't. I think about how near I live to my grandmother, my father, my niece, my nephew, and how much time I spend at work, or cleaning the house, or reading books, instead of making memories. I think about all the places I've lived, the places I've visited, the people I've met, and the relationships I neglect, and I regret.
And that is what brings me here tonight.
At one time, Scott was just my youth pastor and I was a rebellious, bitter kid hiding behind anger and sarcasm and not allowing anyone to get close to me. But through countless nights of crying and running away from home, cutting myself and wanting my life to be over, feeling empty and completely alone, he was the only one there and he became family to me. He was the one encouraging me to keep going when I didn't have the strength and others didn't have the words. He desired my thoughts when no one else even seemed to hear my screams. He dispelled my fear of the unknown when I was afraid of my own shadow. We would talk for hours about God, about theology, mankind, and half the time I walked away from those conversations royally pissed off. But his complete realness always challenged me to dig deeper then what others had told me, what others interpretation of God was, what life's bitter experiences had colored my view to be.
And now he is leaving. And all I can think is how little I have taken advantage of his proximity to me until this time.
But then again, there will always be things to regret, and as long as I have learned this many things from him, I must have not been TOO distant.
So thank you Scott. Thank you for encouraging me to LIVE. Thank you for encouraging me to LOVE. Thank you for teaching me that things are most definitely not always what they seem, for challenging me to dig and experience and see things for myself. Thank you for not being the type of "spiritual" role to guide toward your personal beliefs, and instead being a friend, an ear, a hug. If I can be to someone else someday what you are to me, I will feel my life had purpose. God has used you to make me softer, gentler, and more courageous.
I have a million more feelings, but no more adequate words. I hope your next adventure is better than this one, though I am not sure anyone could ever love and appreciate your amazing family and you as much as I do. Thank you.