Dear ex,
I am sure your new girlfriend has already been made aware of her job description for the 4 weeks that you've already been dating and making pathetic and weak attempts to cover it up so you wouldn't look like you were such a shitty boyfriend to me. But, as with all new jobs, I'm sure she isn't fully aware of all the benefits that come with dating you. Therefore, I decided to take it upon myself to list them, as someone who is severely regretting this failed opportunity as I look for a new job position whose needs I am better suited to fill:

Your inability to communicate in a healthy way
Your lack of response when someone is seeking affirmation
Your refusal to buy flowers
Your refusal to write love notes or cards of any kind
Your know-it-all attitude
Your laziness in everything, I mean everything you do
Your lack of good oral hygiene
Your lack of commitment
Your lack of motivation
Your emotional instability
Your financial instability
Your impressive ways of using the people in your life who love you most
Your inconsistencies
Your refusal to hold a girl when she needs it most
Your uncanny skills of promising something and then never following through
Your refusal to take care of anyone besides yourself
Your cheapness
Your selfishness
Your immaturity
Your reluctance to hold hands in public
Your lack of desire to ever do anything, other than eat and play video games
Your cowardice
Your lack of empathy
Your irresponsibility
Your lies
Your lies
Your lies
Your lies
Your lies
Your lies
Your lies.

Good luck to the both of you in this new endeavor.
xoxo