there is nothing like waking up before the sun, lighting a candle, putting in my ipod, and dreaming awake for an hour.

i don't ever want to wear my faith as a title, defining myself as "a christian" and separating myself from others. let me be known for my LOVE.

i want to never forget the trials i have been through. i want to remember both how blessed i am to be spared of so much, but also the way that all my pain has been redeemed. even when it was so deep i didn't think i could bear it another second, He never left my side. and that is enough for me.

i want to thank everyone who has been there to listen, everyone who has encouraged and kept loving me throughout my trials. the smallest things - the comment here, the text message there, the hugs and laughter, they mean so much to me. these things, the demonstrations that i am loved, are the reality my emotional response to circumstance blinds me from. and when you tear that veil, if only for a moment, it makes all the difference.

i am seeing my deepest heart cry answered in the most strangely unexpected fashion. the smallest things i could brush off, but when i look around, like, REALLY look around, its like He's screaming YOU'RE NOT ALONE!!!

and i finally believe him

Just overwhelmed by His faithfulness.

Overcome with passion.

Feel like I can overcome any obstacle.. which is rare.

So impassioned for what lies ahead.

What a beautiful adventure I'm in the midst of.

It's funny how a change of perspective seems to change your circumstances, even when your circumstances don't change at all.

Like how all the pain and frustration, the tears I've been crying, the distance I've felt from Him has made me feel so alone..

but really its a testament to His faithfulness. It's proof that my heart remains soft.

So how can I doubt this is a place He has led me, and He is in it with me.

He has never left or forsaken me. His promises remain, even when I don't see them at work.

And it's not about me anymore. It's about His purposes.

The hopes and dreams in the core of my heart that I've buried with despair and doubt are being shaken from their sleep. There is something for me here. There is something for my generation here. There is an end to the apathy. There is passion. There is life, real life. There is a cloud breaking right here, and there is no need to run away to feel the rain. It can rain on us. And I will call it forth.

"Remove the deferred and you have hope" - Norm Willis

ughhhhhh

ive always had something deep and sad and strange and unsatisfied festering in me, as far back as i can remember.

but ive always had words to express it, at least partially.

i hate that i no longer have words. i try and try... i try not to try. and everything i write is just... blegh

and i don't know how to process anything if i'm like that.

i find myself wishing... wishing.. things i won't even say out loud because they are too scary

maybe thats my problem.

but i dont know how much i can trust...

i'm so tired of loving

and losing.

it's just like, what i was made for.

sometimes i just think some people were created to be happy, and others were created to carry the weight of all the things others don't feel.

probably completely selfish and immature of me, im probably just being weak and pathetic.

i wish i knew what to do to stop being like this.

i wish i would run out of tears.

i wish i wasnt stupid and emo enough to write all this on a blog.

:(

I'm so tired of feeling alone.

There are so many battles to fight. I have learned it is not always about instant victory, but even learning to fight in itself wins a battle within my own heart.

But it's fighting alone that's starting to kill me. The longer I go without encouragement the more I want to give up. I thrive on words of affirmation. I love being reminded that I am not alone.

So why was I placed in such a lonely circumstance? Not that I don't have a couple of people who challenge me not to give up... but I feel like compared to the things in my life that tell me to give up their voices are often buried.

I hear You say "My love is over,
its underneath, its inside, its in between
the times you doubt Me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well My love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
I'm there through your heartache
I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you by My power alone
I dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends, it never ends

i am seriously SO SICK of writer's block.

"My generation's apathy. I'm disgusted with it. I'm disgusted with my own apathy too." - Kurt Cobain

Something inside me that has been dwindling and dying and wasting away for the past year is beginning to stir. Something that has laid dormant far too long is beginning to awaken. Something that has doubted and grasped and questioned and wrestled and wailed and struggled to blacken the faithful light of hope is beginning to be slain. And now something looks around and says is this really all there is? I am so tired of everyone in my life settling. I'm tired of settling. I'm tired of feeling like any attempt I make to burn will be squelched. No one can truly squelch me but myself. What happens when you're dry? You are only the better to burn with passion.

My friend Elsa is so wise. After lending an ear time and time again to my woes and complaints, she had only one statement to make: "so change it."

It's not that easy to change everything else. But I can change me.

I feel complacency in the air around me. It presses in from every corner and squeezes the breath from my lungs. I am weary of allowing it, of lying down to sleep in the midst of it. I want to build a bridge of passion, of dreams, of hope, of love and walk on it above the clouds of apathy.

I hate the stereotypical Christian attitude above all. The one that reduces this life to a lot of words, a certain type of music, a message to be preached. I want to be known by my LOVE! And for how long have i sat back and groped in the dark, hoping my love could sustain itself? There are periods for raw survival but now is a time to feed the fire, to stoke it, to thrive in the midst of adversity. It should not be a world where someone like Kurt Cobain can sense a need for passionate pursuit while the church sits on their hands and complains about the worship music. The hardest battle is against that which fights by not fighting for anything at all.

But one thing I know. I have something alive. And it will not be satisfied. Hype and emotion will not satisfy it, nor will the revelations of others. Time for one more brick on the foundation, one more battle scar from the war in my heart, one more dry twig into a fire, and one day, I will be ablaze.

And maybe one day, another and another will be too. And even the sun will look like darkness in comparison.