Knowing that You'll save me

"And this is how I choose to live, as if I'm jumping off a cliff, knowing that You'll save me, knowing that You'll save me, and after all the stupid things I did there's nothing left there to forgive, cause You already forgave me, You already forgave me."

Yes I have broken through, yes I have felt the recent downpoor, the lifting of the sorrow I bore in my desert season, yes I have had the privilege of not reaching a point of despair...

but this is what I have found in my heart this week.
bitterness.

And lots of questions why... why does it always take me taking the long road, why does it always take sacrifice... why do the things that please Him seem to pain me so much? And why can He not give me an answer?

And I find my relationship so defined by revelations other than my own.

And this is the most difficult thing of all, because when I try to approach Him, when I try to read His word, or worship, or anything else... I find before His voice reaches my ears, before His touch can quicken my heart, before I can grasp His presence with my spirit... I am met with a thousand other opinions and speculations and angles, all from outside sources... messages I have heard, books I have read...

not that those things are bad, but I think I am getting to a deeper place with it. I think I am down to the foundations now. I am realizing the cracks in it. I am seeing the need to fill them.

With His voice. With His revelation to MY heart. With my trusting HIM instead of trusting what I have been told or taught about Him.

And I have stayed away, because I don't want more pain. I don't want Him to ask me to give up anything else.

But I can't stand being apart from Him any longer.

So tonight I am going to fight.
Tonight I am going to jump.
Tonight I am going to trust.
Tonight I am going to cry.
Tonight I am going to sing.
Tonight I will be romanced again.
Destroyed
made new
and ultimately set free.

I fling wide my arms, He will fling wide His gates, and so will be the embrace I have long closed myself to.


<3

All we are, we are

I'm so tired, but so restless. I keep thinking of this idea I've had for a poem for months, but every time I try to write it, it becomes a huge mess and I scribble it out and toss aside my notebook in frustration. I think my revelation on it must not be full enough for me to write it yet. So instead of attempting again right now, I am pondering the skeleton, the basis, the foundation - the idea around which I attempt to weave the words to paint the picture that lives in my heart. And I was reminded of a blog I wrote back when I was 18, on my myspace, right before my first year in master's commission. A blog I've gone back and re-read a few times. A blog that reminds me... that anchors me once again. And I thought I'd repost it..

How many times have I lived in the past, wishing to make things different, pining after things I couldn't have, dwelling on my regrets? Or how many times have I thought about how if I could just make it through a certain moment and into the future, everything would be so much better? Why do I live like that? Why is it so hard for me to live in the present and enjoy every moment of it? The past is just that; the past. Over and done with. And the future is the future, I'll make it there eventually. But these are the moments when every part of my life is shaped. Why do I choose to let them slip by so often?

People say its what you do that defines you; I used to agree with that. But recently someone told me its not what I do that defines me - I have been defined from the beginning and all I have to do is allow God to make me into what He designed me for in the first place. So all those times in the past that I've been hurt in and haven't been able to put behind me - those will be the scars I'll be the most thankful for. The mistakes I've made and hated myself for - they will become my greatest strengths. The future Ive longed for to escape the present - it's huge and boundless and waiting for me. And this is now. This is where I wanna live. Through this moment while my heart breaks thinking of having to leave those I love so much. Through the tears and smiles, the light and darkness. Through the good times and the bad. By laying it all down and letting God break me out of this shell and mold me. These are the moments I'll cherish. I won't forget where I came from and I won't worry about where I'm going. I wanna be open. Free. Vulnerable. I wanna feel alive again.

So here I go.

This got me thinking to a book I love, called Hope for the Flowers. In it a caterpillar learns about becoming a butterfly and as she begins cautiously to spin a cocoon, she thinks to herself "if I have inside me the stuff to make cocoons, maybe the stuff of butterflies is there too."

I think right now I am seeing again, just as I began to see when I was 18, that I am who I am. All I was and am going to be is curled up somewhere inside of me, waiting for a reason to burst through my skin and become present. But it takes risk, it takes risk to live in the present. It takes courage. It takes a yielding of your will, to be who you are.

"Right now we are here, and nothing can mar our perfection"

-The Time Traveler's Wife

The weapon of love

"Don't be afraid little warrior bride, victory's on the other side."

I had a dream the other night.

As you may know, I am prone to nightmares. Namely ones in which I am being attacked, or chased, and no one is there to help me, or people are right there but they cant see me, they can't hear me... and I am defenseless, and frozen in fear... and I always wake up terrified. Often too terrified to fall back asleep.

I have found the best way to avoid these types of dreams is to fall asleep while talking to someone. But sometimes they come all the same.

I was having one of these dreams a few nights ago. Someone broke into my house with a gun and was looking to attack my family. Inside of my dream, I somehow knew it wasn't real and was struggling to wake up, but I couldn't. Suddenly I realized, this is my dream, and I grabbed a butcher knife and faced my attacker. "I'm not scared of you" she declared to my face. And then I felt it, courage washing over me. I knew I would win this, if only I tried. So I stood my ground. I chose to win. And once I made my choice, there was no changing my fate. I overcame.

I am facing so many rejection issues right now. With every job I apply for, I get my hopes up and watch them crumble to the ground again. I finally got as far as an interview 2 weeks ago... and then was informed they filled the position, and always echoing in the back of my mind is this... there's someone else, ALWAYS someone else, someone better...

I mean thats just how it's been for me. I never seem to win.

Then there's this battle with my weight, and on top of it my body image in general. I am SUUUCH an emotional eater. I always have been. I get on top of eating healthy and exercising for a while, then something happens, good or bad or stressful or sad that compels me to eat something, anything, to comfort myself. And I give in and stop trying once again.

I stop trying, but I never stop caring.

Because once it all goes downhill again I get stuck in this comparing and losing game with any girl anywhere I see who has the type of body I want. Movies, magazines, maybe just a friend. Always someone who isn't me. And I think, if only..

I am seeing that in order to reach a victory, I have to make up my mind to fight. And if I make up my mind to fight, I have to grasp a weapon. In fact, the decision not to let a fear or habit beat me is, in itself, an action. It's not a matter of immediately eliminating the fear... the fear of rejection, the fear of even trying to reach a goal because I have failed so many times... it's more a matter of FACING the fear, weapon in hand, and conquering strike by strike, even though it stares right back at me in defiance.

And I think the weapon that defeats every fear is love. Many things can stand against it, challenge it, accuse it, hinder it, discourage it... but nothing can overcome it, not in the end.

So I reach out to grasp now the kind of love that overcomes that crippling fear of inadequacy and rejection. I reach out to grasp the love that says I am worth being taken care of, though I may not believe it. And I reach out to grasp the love that offers perfect acceptance and peace.

And with that, I will fight the giants of the job market, the monsters of the culture, and most of all, the whispering scars within my own heart.

And as I believe...

Love is invincible facing danger and death. Passion laughs at the terrors of hell.

...love will win the day.

<3

Wonderland

"Sometimes I believe in as many as six impossible things before breakfast"

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this movie. In addition to envying Alice's wardrobe, admiring the beautiful masterpiece Tim Burton created, and falling in love with Avril Lavigne's latest song, I was left with a deep and thought provoking reminder...

What I choose to believe can create or destroy my destiny. If I don't know who I am, can I truly accomplish anything? If I let the opinions of others define me, I cannot fulfill my purpose.

But if I believe in the impossible and let myself become "much more muchier" in spite of my inability to see the future and regardless of the approval of others... if I take what is given to me and trust the transformation process, I will be equipped for the moment at hand, I will fulfill my destiny.

Perhaps I am stretching the Alice metaphor way too far. Maybe it really is just ridiculous drug influenced nonsense. But to me, it seemed to speak of faith. And faith is really just "hope mixed with trust". So maybe my life is something of a Wonderland. And I am loving the adventure.


<3

Rain

"So stand in the rain, stand your ground. Stand up when it's all crashing down, you stand through the pain, you won't drown... And one day, whats lost can be found."

It's rainy season finally, and I couldn't be happier. I love everything about the rain. I love the way it looks outside, I love the way it smells, I love the feeling of it on my skin, I love seeing the raindrops splash into the puddles they are forming.

A lot of people are worried here because of the horrible flooding a couple of years ago... but I am too happy to be worried right now. :) I feel like I have somehow won a battle. Like what is happening outside of my window is simultaneously happening in my spirit, in my heart. It was 8 months ago I felt the Lord tell me He was leading me into the desert. That He was going to strip away all the things I had used to give me a sense of security and identity apart from Him. That it was going to be dry and painful and confusing. I said yes and let Him lead me there, through one plan after another falling through, losing relationships, missing the sound of His voice. I soaked my pillow in tears numerous times, I poured out my heart on paper over and over, I asked Him questions I had never dared to ask before. Just when I thought I had hit rock bottom, it seemed I began to fall down even further.

But inside I knew it wouldn't last forever. I tried everything I could to keep my heart soft and not just lie down, defeated in the face of my emotions and circumstances. I failed many times, but I never let go of hope.

And now, it seems, clouds have formed and they are beginning to break over my desert. Refreshing and life-giving rain is spilling out over my world. Drowning my fears and washing away my doubts. I have learned to trust. I have learned how to keep hope alive. I have learned to find beauty in a place that seems to lack abundantly in every way. I have learned... I am learning.

The desert and parched land will be glad, the wilderness will rejoice and blossom... water will gush forth in the wilderness, and streams in the desert. The burning sand will become a pool, the thirsty ground bubbling springs... and the ransomed of the LORD will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away."

<3

Simplicity

I realized something.
My world has been covered in snow for 3 months, and I have been cold and miserable. I have spent several minutes bundling up every time I am about to go outside, whined incessantly while scraping my windows, cursed the road every time I go sliding out of control whenever I turn a corner, and wished moment after moment for spring to arrive...
But I haven't made any snowmen. I haven't gone sledding, thrown a snowball, or tasted a snowflake.
I haven't even thought of it.
And it made me think, how often I let the little opportunities for joy pass me by. I will get so consumed in the concerns of something, like snow, that I completely miss the opportunity to have a little fun that I could never have at any other time of the year.
Why is that stuff so much simpler to see when you're a kid? You never think it's gloomy because its raining, you just see puddles to jump in, and water droplets chasing each other down your window. You don't see weeds ruining a beautiful green landscape, you see fuzzy soft dandelions to make a wish on and blow away. The world is a playground, the sky is a canvas for your imagination, life is at your disposal and joy is around every corner. You don't see obstacles, frustrations and dead ends, you see opportunities, hope, and open windows.
I don't want to lose that innocence, that spark. I don't want to lose the eyes of a child, the heart of simplicity. I want to be able to stand alone in my bedroom and watch another world spring up around me.

<3

Everything

Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him... sin didn't, and doesn't, have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. When it's sin versus grace, grace wins hands down. All sin can do is threaten us with death, and that's the end of it. Grace, because God is putting everything together again through the Messiah, invites us into life—a life that goes on and on and on, world without end. Romans 5, The Message

Every time I watch this video, I get wrecked. I see myself all throughout it. Beaten down, torn away, losing my vision of my first love. And Him always, always pulling me through. Him always, always taking on whatever comes between us. Him always, always loving me.

There are a lot of fears and insecurities I am facing today. I have been aware of them for a long time, but not really faced them. And now facing them scares me. Doesn't scare me so much just to acknowledge it... I'd already gotten that far before. It more scares me that... I have built this perspective on myself, on my future, on people and relationships... and I have built so much of it on a foundation of fears and flaws and failure. And now, when I already feel like I'm afloat on nothing but a stormy sea; unsure, unpredictable, unsteady... I have to lift my anchor. The fears and flaws and failures that have been my consistency. My faulty belief system about myself that has been the one unchanging aspect of my life for as long as I can remember. To believe that I am what He says about me. To believe that I can do more than survive. To believe I am worth sticking around for. To believe people can see through my intense emotional baggage and find something they love and not run away...
All things I have acknowledged I have a hard time believing... but to take the next step to actually let go, let Him take them away, and believe in His voice to be my consistency instead. Believe in His love to be my anchor. "You calm my storms and You give me rest, You hold me in Your hands, You won't let me fall. You still my heart and You take my breath away, would You take me in, take me deeper now"
This will be my heart's cry. I will trust; He will see me through. And my heart will rejoice.

<3