i've been struggling so much with my confidence lately. things i have never been self conscious about have been areas ive seen and started hating lately.

yesterday at work i was singing to myself while i worked. some lady told me i had a beautiful voice and to never stop singing.

moments like that make me believe dreams come true :)

just in case anyone was thinking about dating someone you only see once a week or less, it sucks.

just in case anyone was thinking it was a good idea to go to work full time and school full time, its exhausting

just saying.

such a long day

and a long week for that matter

i hate it when i fail at loving

i hate failing in general, but when it has to do with my performance, it may draw tears... when it has to do with that moment where you look in someones eyes and see pain or fear, and knowing you put it there... it tears my heart in two.

i don't want t0 be the one harboring that knife inside my tongue, the one that cuts people down. i don't want to hurt precious people.

this seems to be a theme for me. THE theme. i guess of my life. that i want to be known for my love. i just have to remember that doing it perfect isnt so much the goal as doing it for real.

there is nothing like waking up before the sun, lighting a candle, putting in my ipod, and dreaming awake for an hour.

i don't ever want to wear my faith as a title, defining myself as "a christian" and separating myself from others. let me be known for my LOVE.

i want to never forget the trials i have been through. i want to remember both how blessed i am to be spared of so much, but also the way that all my pain has been redeemed. even when it was so deep i didn't think i could bear it another second, He never left my side. and that is enough for me.

i want to thank everyone who has been there to listen, everyone who has encouraged and kept loving me throughout my trials. the smallest things - the comment here, the text message there, the hugs and laughter, they mean so much to me. these things, the demonstrations that i am loved, are the reality my emotional response to circumstance blinds me from. and when you tear that veil, if only for a moment, it makes all the difference.

i am seeing my deepest heart cry answered in the most strangely unexpected fashion. the smallest things i could brush off, but when i look around, like, REALLY look around, its like He's screaming YOU'RE NOT ALONE!!!

and i finally believe him

Just overwhelmed by His faithfulness.

Overcome with passion.

Feel like I can overcome any obstacle.. which is rare.

So impassioned for what lies ahead.

What a beautiful adventure I'm in the midst of.

It's funny how a change of perspective seems to change your circumstances, even when your circumstances don't change at all.

Like how all the pain and frustration, the tears I've been crying, the distance I've felt from Him has made me feel so alone..

but really its a testament to His faithfulness. It's proof that my heart remains soft.

So how can I doubt this is a place He has led me, and He is in it with me.

He has never left or forsaken me. His promises remain, even when I don't see them at work.

And it's not about me anymore. It's about His purposes.

The hopes and dreams in the core of my heart that I've buried with despair and doubt are being shaken from their sleep. There is something for me here. There is something for my generation here. There is an end to the apathy. There is passion. There is life, real life. There is a cloud breaking right here, and there is no need to run away to feel the rain. It can rain on us. And I will call it forth.

"Remove the deferred and you have hope" - Norm Willis

ughhhhhh

ive always had something deep and sad and strange and unsatisfied festering in me, as far back as i can remember.

but ive always had words to express it, at least partially.

i hate that i no longer have words. i try and try... i try not to try. and everything i write is just... blegh

and i don't know how to process anything if i'm like that.

i find myself wishing... wishing.. things i won't even say out loud because they are too scary

maybe thats my problem.

but i dont know how much i can trust...

i'm so tired of loving

and losing.

it's just like, what i was made for.

sometimes i just think some people were created to be happy, and others were created to carry the weight of all the things others don't feel.

probably completely selfish and immature of me, im probably just being weak and pathetic.

i wish i knew what to do to stop being like this.

i wish i would run out of tears.

i wish i wasnt stupid and emo enough to write all this on a blog.

:(