inheritance

these last couple days have shaken me. i feel like im crawling around with a great burden on my back, and emotionally im about to break. i am protective of my fragile heart - though i don't know what i am protecting it from. i have been thinking about my future. and my past. because no matter how i try to reconcile the two, i never truly seem to.

i always have been a holder. i hold so tightly to my past that i miss out on the beauty around me. i think with being a deep thinker too, i have realized that and over the years gotten to a point where i so aggressively try to avoid that pain, that when i enter into a new place, a new time, a new season of my life... i cut away the past.

i don't regret any of my decisions, but im beginning to regret my lost connections. i am so unsure of where my life is heading, tho i am assured that the steps im taking right now will eventually lead me there. but i think i am coming out of these two extremes i have swung between throughout my life and a steadiness is settling over me. the past, the present and the future in perfect balance, flowing together through my heart.

i don't know. its just one of those things that doesnt come out in words... its the pulsing in my veins, its the tears in my eyes. i wish i could write those things. if i could, i would forever hold some audience or another captive. i guess for now its just my audience of one feeling every jagged breath and catching my tears even as they fall. and that is more than enough for me.

One road closed sign, an hour and a half phone call with my dad, and a lot of tears later...

and I've decided not to go to school for dental hygiene anymore. I feel so much lighter already.

Can I just brag for a second?

About how amazing it is to have your boyfriend ask what you want to do, and when you say "let's watch a movie" he says "let's watch the stars instead"

:)

i failed a performance test in health skills today.

why is it every time i fail everything in me just screams to give up? why am i so quick to give up?

i feel like im overwhelmed right now. i have way too much on my plate and im so tired i cant chew any of it anyway.

my heart is stirring and begging to spill itself out into a poem too... but i just cant seem to create the words with my heart like i used to be able to.

the good thing about me being so stubborn, is that even when my heart breaks it just strengthens my resistance. i refuse to bow to circumstances. i will overcome. and i guess thats the first step to overcoming - knowing i can.

i've been struggling so much with my confidence lately. things i have never been self conscious about have been areas ive seen and started hating lately.

yesterday at work i was singing to myself while i worked. some lady told me i had a beautiful voice and to never stop singing.

moments like that make me believe dreams come true :)

just in case anyone was thinking about dating someone you only see once a week or less, it sucks.

just in case anyone was thinking it was a good idea to go to work full time and school full time, its exhausting

just saying.

such a long day

and a long week for that matter

i hate it when i fail at loving

i hate failing in general, but when it has to do with my performance, it may draw tears... when it has to do with that moment where you look in someones eyes and see pain or fear, and knowing you put it there... it tears my heart in two.

i don't want t0 be the one harboring that knife inside my tongue, the one that cuts people down. i don't want to hurt precious people.

this seems to be a theme for me. THE theme. i guess of my life. that i want to be known for my love. i just have to remember that doing it perfect isnt so much the goal as doing it for real.