Well, hi. It's been a while.

But I think I want to do this, because waking up at 2 or 3 or 4am and staying awake for hours is part of my sleeping pattern right now, and I need to let my soul leak a little bit, or else I go crazy, and I can't bring myself to stumble out to the couch with a journal and pen, even though I have a journal specifically for when I can't sleep. At least, I don't get out of bed for the first hour I'm awake, before I finally start to think I'm going to starve to death and venture out to pour my guilty pleasure midnight snack of GMO corn flakes (I can't help my need for corn, I'm an Iowan) which eventually lulls me back to sleep around 8am for a fitful 30 minutes before the struggle of a new day officially begins.

But enough about that. Why did I ever stop blogging?

I don't really know, myself. I stopped writing a lot when he came into my life. I thought it's because I was happy, and happy writing has never really been my thing. I get inspired by sadness and pain and heartbreak. But I don't know now, those things are always under the surface somewhere, aren't they? Life is pain and struggle. It doesn't stop just because one element changes. Now, looking back, I think I just started questioning a lot of things and I couldn't question them publicly. The last few years have been a whirlwind, a blur, and its all a bit unclear now looking back, I'm still waiting for the dust to settle... maybe then I will know all the reasons. But probably not. I never really do.

Okay, 13 minutes in. I already need my corn flakes.
Seriously guys. They're so bad, but so good.

Anyway, if you're my Facebook friend, you know things have not been peachy for me lately. In a nutshell, I lost my job at the beginning of summer unexpectedly, for totally bogus and unprofessional reasons, and spent the whole summer pursuing and finally winning an unemployment case, then I signed up for classes to go back to school full time and FINALLY finish my 2 year Liberal Arts degree, and the day classes started, my boyfriend of 4 years dumped me. In a text message. Suffice it to say I haven't been the world's greatest student so far this year. It's hard to bounce back from that. Did I mention my 15 year old dog died over the summer? Like I said, a whirlwind.

But every time something hard has happened in my past I've been able to run away, move somewhere, start over, and try to forget and this time I feel the need to stay and fight and finally overcome my own unsteady heart. So after years of thinking about it, I finally went to the doctor and got antidepressants, and started seeing a counselor. And let me tell you, it was the best decision of my life. Because it hasn't been some overly dramatic, black and white change, but I can feel myself walking out of my sadness. And for the first time in probably 14 years, when I hurt, it isn't like a giant black pit in my insides swallowing me against my will. It's more of a ditch, or a pothole. I fall in or trip here and there, but I can get out eventually.
And there were times I used to think I would never get out.

So there's the basics of my life. I don't want to write too much and lose you all before I even get started again..

Alright, lets be honest. My cereal is gone, and I'm gonna go lay back down. :)

xox