The weapon of love

"Don't be afraid little warrior bride, victory's on the other side."

I had a dream the other night.

As you may know, I am prone to nightmares. Namely ones in which I am being attacked, or chased, and no one is there to help me, or people are right there but they cant see me, they can't hear me... and I am defenseless, and frozen in fear... and I always wake up terrified. Often too terrified to fall back asleep.

I have found the best way to avoid these types of dreams is to fall asleep while talking to someone. But sometimes they come all the same.

I was having one of these dreams a few nights ago. Someone broke into my house with a gun and was looking to attack my family. Inside of my dream, I somehow knew it wasn't real and was struggling to wake up, but I couldn't. Suddenly I realized, this is my dream, and I grabbed a butcher knife and faced my attacker. "I'm not scared of you" she declared to my face. And then I felt it, courage washing over me. I knew I would win this, if only I tried. So I stood my ground. I chose to win. And once I made my choice, there was no changing my fate. I overcame.

I am facing so many rejection issues right now. With every job I apply for, I get my hopes up and watch them crumble to the ground again. I finally got as far as an interview 2 weeks ago... and then was informed they filled the position, and always echoing in the back of my mind is this... there's someone else, ALWAYS someone else, someone better...

I mean thats just how it's been for me. I never seem to win.

Then there's this battle with my weight, and on top of it my body image in general. I am SUUUCH an emotional eater. I always have been. I get on top of eating healthy and exercising for a while, then something happens, good or bad or stressful or sad that compels me to eat something, anything, to comfort myself. And I give in and stop trying once again.

I stop trying, but I never stop caring.

Because once it all goes downhill again I get stuck in this comparing and losing game with any girl anywhere I see who has the type of body I want. Movies, magazines, maybe just a friend. Always someone who isn't me. And I think, if only..

I am seeing that in order to reach a victory, I have to make up my mind to fight. And if I make up my mind to fight, I have to grasp a weapon. In fact, the decision not to let a fear or habit beat me is, in itself, an action. It's not a matter of immediately eliminating the fear... the fear of rejection, the fear of even trying to reach a goal because I have failed so many times... it's more a matter of FACING the fear, weapon in hand, and conquering strike by strike, even though it stares right back at me in defiance.

And I think the weapon that defeats every fear is love. Many things can stand against it, challenge it, accuse it, hinder it, discourage it... but nothing can overcome it, not in the end.

So I reach out to grasp now the kind of love that overcomes that crippling fear of inadequacy and rejection. I reach out to grasp the love that says I am worth being taken care of, though I may not believe it. And I reach out to grasp the love that offers perfect acceptance and peace.

And with that, I will fight the giants of the job market, the monsters of the culture, and most of all, the whispering scars within my own heart.

And as I believe...

Love is invincible facing danger and death. Passion laughs at the terrors of hell.

...love will win the day.

<3

Wonderland

"Sometimes I believe in as many as six impossible things before breakfast"

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this movie. In addition to envying Alice's wardrobe, admiring the beautiful masterpiece Tim Burton created, and falling in love with Avril Lavigne's latest song, I was left with a deep and thought provoking reminder...

What I choose to believe can create or destroy my destiny. If I don't know who I am, can I truly accomplish anything? If I let the opinions of others define me, I cannot fulfill my purpose.

But if I believe in the impossible and let myself become "much more muchier" in spite of my inability to see the future and regardless of the approval of others... if I take what is given to me and trust the transformation process, I will be equipped for the moment at hand, I will fulfill my destiny.

Perhaps I am stretching the Alice metaphor way too far. Maybe it really is just ridiculous drug influenced nonsense. But to me, it seemed to speak of faith. And faith is really just "hope mixed with trust". So maybe my life is something of a Wonderland. And I am loving the adventure.


<3

Rain

"So stand in the rain, stand your ground. Stand up when it's all crashing down, you stand through the pain, you won't drown... And one day, whats lost can be found."

It's rainy season finally, and I couldn't be happier. I love everything about the rain. I love the way it looks outside, I love the way it smells, I love the feeling of it on my skin, I love seeing the raindrops splash into the puddles they are forming.

A lot of people are worried here because of the horrible flooding a couple of years ago... but I am too happy to be worried right now. :) I feel like I have somehow won a battle. Like what is happening outside of my window is simultaneously happening in my spirit, in my heart. It was 8 months ago I felt the Lord tell me He was leading me into the desert. That He was going to strip away all the things I had used to give me a sense of security and identity apart from Him. That it was going to be dry and painful and confusing. I said yes and let Him lead me there, through one plan after another falling through, losing relationships, missing the sound of His voice. I soaked my pillow in tears numerous times, I poured out my heart on paper over and over, I asked Him questions I had never dared to ask before. Just when I thought I had hit rock bottom, it seemed I began to fall down even further.

But inside I knew it wouldn't last forever. I tried everything I could to keep my heart soft and not just lie down, defeated in the face of my emotions and circumstances. I failed many times, but I never let go of hope.

And now, it seems, clouds have formed and they are beginning to break over my desert. Refreshing and life-giving rain is spilling out over my world. Drowning my fears and washing away my doubts. I have learned to trust. I have learned how to keep hope alive. I have learned to find beauty in a place that seems to lack abundantly in every way. I have learned... I am learning.

The desert and parched land will be glad, the wilderness will rejoice and blossom... water will gush forth in the wilderness, and streams in the desert. The burning sand will become a pool, the thirsty ground bubbling springs... and the ransomed of the LORD will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away."

<3