It's funny how a change of perspective seems to change your circumstances, even when your circumstances don't change at all.

Like how all the pain and frustration, the tears I've been crying, the distance I've felt from Him has made me feel so alone..

but really its a testament to His faithfulness. It's proof that my heart remains soft.

So how can I doubt this is a place He has led me, and He is in it with me.

He has never left or forsaken me. His promises remain, even when I don't see them at work.

And it's not about me anymore. It's about His purposes.

The hopes and dreams in the core of my heart that I've buried with despair and doubt are being shaken from their sleep. There is something for me here. There is something for my generation here. There is an end to the apathy. There is passion. There is life, real life. There is a cloud breaking right here, and there is no need to run away to feel the rain. It can rain on us. And I will call it forth.

"Remove the deferred and you have hope" - Norm Willis

ughhhhhh

ive always had something deep and sad and strange and unsatisfied festering in me, as far back as i can remember.

but ive always had words to express it, at least partially.

i hate that i no longer have words. i try and try... i try not to try. and everything i write is just... blegh

and i don't know how to process anything if i'm like that.

i find myself wishing... wishing.. things i won't even say out loud because they are too scary

maybe thats my problem.

but i dont know how much i can trust...

i'm so tired of loving

and losing.

it's just like, what i was made for.

sometimes i just think some people were created to be happy, and others were created to carry the weight of all the things others don't feel.

probably completely selfish and immature of me, im probably just being weak and pathetic.

i wish i knew what to do to stop being like this.

i wish i would run out of tears.

i wish i wasnt stupid and emo enough to write all this on a blog.

:(

I'm so tired of feeling alone.

There are so many battles to fight. I have learned it is not always about instant victory, but even learning to fight in itself wins a battle within my own heart.

But it's fighting alone that's starting to kill me. The longer I go without encouragement the more I want to give up. I thrive on words of affirmation. I love being reminded that I am not alone.

So why was I placed in such a lonely circumstance? Not that I don't have a couple of people who challenge me not to give up... but I feel like compared to the things in my life that tell me to give up their voices are often buried.

I hear You say "My love is over,
its underneath, its inside, its in between
the times you doubt Me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well My love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
I'm there through your heartache
I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you by My power alone
I dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends, it never ends

i am seriously SO SICK of writer's block.

"My generation's apathy. I'm disgusted with it. I'm disgusted with my own apathy too." - Kurt Cobain

Something inside me that has been dwindling and dying and wasting away for the past year is beginning to stir. Something that has laid dormant far too long is beginning to awaken. Something that has doubted and grasped and questioned and wrestled and wailed and struggled to blacken the faithful light of hope is beginning to be slain. And now something looks around and says is this really all there is? I am so tired of everyone in my life settling. I'm tired of settling. I'm tired of feeling like any attempt I make to burn will be squelched. No one can truly squelch me but myself. What happens when you're dry? You are only the better to burn with passion.

My friend Elsa is so wise. After lending an ear time and time again to my woes and complaints, she had only one statement to make: "so change it."

It's not that easy to change everything else. But I can change me.

I feel complacency in the air around me. It presses in from every corner and squeezes the breath from my lungs. I am weary of allowing it, of lying down to sleep in the midst of it. I want to build a bridge of passion, of dreams, of hope, of love and walk on it above the clouds of apathy.

I hate the stereotypical Christian attitude above all. The one that reduces this life to a lot of words, a certain type of music, a message to be preached. I want to be known by my LOVE! And for how long have i sat back and groped in the dark, hoping my love could sustain itself? There are periods for raw survival but now is a time to feed the fire, to stoke it, to thrive in the midst of adversity. It should not be a world where someone like Kurt Cobain can sense a need for passionate pursuit while the church sits on their hands and complains about the worship music. The hardest battle is against that which fights by not fighting for anything at all.

But one thing I know. I have something alive. And it will not be satisfied. Hype and emotion will not satisfy it, nor will the revelations of others. Time for one more brick on the foundation, one more battle scar from the war in my heart, one more dry twig into a fire, and one day, I will be ablaze.

And maybe one day, another and another will be too. And even the sun will look like darkness in comparison.

Happening

I can’t believe this is

happening

like the fairy tale of

my life finally

happening

Like you peeled away

the layers

and opened up the pages

and finally someone liked

what they

saw in there

And I was afraid

so afraid

to let you in

but you pushed

just a little

so I let you win

and I don’t think

I’ll regret it

no matter what’s ahead

’cause I’m healed and

transformed

by everything you’ve said

You can’t seem

to contain it

and that undoes

my resistance

and I begin to trust

you and your gentle insistence

and I gave you

everything dead and dry inside

with a bitter smile

waiting for you to

give up trying

And you look in my eyes

hypnotized

and you fan a spark

and I’m alight

and I’m dreaming again

and I’m terrified

and I’m breathing you in

as our stories collide

and I melt on your chest

putty in your hands

but you don’t take advantage

and I don’t understand

This is impossible

this is surreal

I’m so overwhelmed

I don’t know what to feel

consume

believe

love

desire

accept

embrace

inspire

me

you

are becoming

consistency

hope

addictive

hope

my best friend

hope

so hold me

tight

hold me…

I can’t believe this is happening

birds

her wings are spread, she's stuck here on the ground. she's not heavy, she's my world, i'll carry her around

lately i have just fallen in love with birds...

i love the freedom they represent. the fact that they can just go whenever, wherever

i'm like a bird, i only fly away, i don't know where my soul is, i don't know where my home is

and then there's the irony of a cage.



and that part is kind of sad. that a creature with total freedom and so much beauty would be caged. that its wings would be clipped. that it would be stuck within one square foot of living space when it has all the blue skies of our world to explore.

may 15, 2008 i wrote "i am not a child with a skinned knee. I am not even a teenager with a broken heart. I’ve moved to a new level. I’m a broken spirit, a broken smile; I’m a bird with broken wings – unsure of my purpose and only able to see from the perspective of one grounded. My heart is so desperate for something it can’t have that it gives up what it already possesses." - and o how little has changed in ways. but in so many ways, so much has changed.

because the thing a bird caged and the thing a bird in the air have in common at ALL times is this - no one can steal their song away from them, even if they try. the only one who can stop their singing is themselves.

though my song be taken from me, yet will i sing

every season shall fade away, either in bursts of hopeful song, or in suffering silence. i shall not lose my voice.

"Be as a bird perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her; still she sings away all the same, knowing she has wings."

i want to thank everyone for all of your encouragement. you help remind me that inside me lies a song of victory and freedom, of hope and of life. no cage, self imposed or otherwise, can keep this voice contained.

i know this wasnt very eloquent. just a mess, like my thoughts.