I'm so tired of feeling alone.

There are so many battles to fight. I have learned it is not always about instant victory, but even learning to fight in itself wins a battle within my own heart.

But it's fighting alone that's starting to kill me. The longer I go without encouragement the more I want to give up. I thrive on words of affirmation. I love being reminded that I am not alone.

So why was I placed in such a lonely circumstance? Not that I don't have a couple of people who challenge me not to give up... but I feel like compared to the things in my life that tell me to give up their voices are often buried.

I hear You say "My love is over,
its underneath, its inside, its in between
the times you doubt Me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well My love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
I'm there through your heartache
I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you by My power alone
I dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends, it never ends

i am seriously SO SICK of writer's block.

"My generation's apathy. I'm disgusted with it. I'm disgusted with my own apathy too." - Kurt Cobain

Something inside me that has been dwindling and dying and wasting away for the past year is beginning to stir. Something that has laid dormant far too long is beginning to awaken. Something that has doubted and grasped and questioned and wrestled and wailed and struggled to blacken the faithful light of hope is beginning to be slain. And now something looks around and says is this really all there is? I am so tired of everyone in my life settling. I'm tired of settling. I'm tired of feeling like any attempt I make to burn will be squelched. No one can truly squelch me but myself. What happens when you're dry? You are only the better to burn with passion.

My friend Elsa is so wise. After lending an ear time and time again to my woes and complaints, she had only one statement to make: "so change it."

It's not that easy to change everything else. But I can change me.

I feel complacency in the air around me. It presses in from every corner and squeezes the breath from my lungs. I am weary of allowing it, of lying down to sleep in the midst of it. I want to build a bridge of passion, of dreams, of hope, of love and walk on it above the clouds of apathy.

I hate the stereotypical Christian attitude above all. The one that reduces this life to a lot of words, a certain type of music, a message to be preached. I want to be known by my LOVE! And for how long have i sat back and groped in the dark, hoping my love could sustain itself? There are periods for raw survival but now is a time to feed the fire, to stoke it, to thrive in the midst of adversity. It should not be a world where someone like Kurt Cobain can sense a need for passionate pursuit while the church sits on their hands and complains about the worship music. The hardest battle is against that which fights by not fighting for anything at all.

But one thing I know. I have something alive. And it will not be satisfied. Hype and emotion will not satisfy it, nor will the revelations of others. Time for one more brick on the foundation, one more battle scar from the war in my heart, one more dry twig into a fire, and one day, I will be ablaze.

And maybe one day, another and another will be too. And even the sun will look like darkness in comparison.