There are seasons. Always seasons.

There are seasons for clothes. Seasons for makeup. Seasons for hair colors. Seasons for shoes and purses.

Seasons of your favorite TV shows.

Seasons for different Holidays.

Seasons that bring changes in the weather.

Seasons for different emotions and different actions.

What if there are seasons for people?

So far I have managed to live my life with no regret. This is mostly because I just talk myself out of regretting anything that initially drags along with it a sense of regret. I force myself to turn the painful event around and around in the light, so I can see it from all angles. If none of the angles reveals a potential purpose for my pain, I stare into it, through it, and imagine all the ways it could be worked for good. Then I accept it and move forward, trusting that someday I will see the reason. Someday it will all be worth it.

Through my life love and loss has occured with nearly all of my friendships. People who I thought would be by my side, processing every major life event, every emotion, along with me, have faded to the background. New people have come in and been there for a season. A select few I have stayed very close with. But it makes me wonder.

The romances, even the ones I thought were forever, they have always faded. I have seen couple do the same over and over. People I thought would last forever. Feelings I thought would last forever. They fade, fade away. I know there is still that percentage that lasts, but is it out of habit? Is it out of raw commitment?

That's not what I want. I know commitment is important and you have to make decisions based on principle and not just your emotions and all those things are well and good. But sometimes, sometimes you see that couple who keeps their passion, their connection, their "soulmate-ship"afloat. And after several years of hard work and commitment, I want nothing less than that.

I want that love I can't stay away from. I want that desperate passionate completion, beyond what words can express, something that I can't stay away from. From day 1 until year 100.

But what if… in most lives, people are just for seasons too. Long-term relationships, divorce… people survive these every day and go on living. They find someone new. They enjoy it. They say they see why it didn't work out with so and so.

What if that just keeps happening over and over. Till death.

What if everything is only for a season? What if we cling out of habit and fear and that's the only thing that makes it last… except that 1 in a million. The one time you make the right decision and it just… sticks.

I'm not one to over-romanticize. I don't really believe in "the one". Well I don't know, maybe I do. Maybe there is just one perfect person for everyone, and people make wrong choices all the time and that's how it ends up only lasting for a season?

My brain is working overtime. My heart is strained and tired.

All I know is unless I can't resist moving to the next season, I would rather curl up and rest here. Spring will come in its own time whether anyone wishes it or not.

Maybe that's how every season is.

Courtney Rose Reicks

There are some really obvious things about Courtney that you don't need to know her to know about her. She is passionate, hard working, hilarious, brilliant, tough and driven. I knew all these things within a week of meeting her when we worked together. She kicked my ass on every level from customer service to physical labor. She worked faster than many of us who had been working there for years, and she was brilliant at problem solving of every kind.

The first time we hung out, we watched Legend of the Guardians and got pizza while I worked on some homework. I was working on a problem for about 15 minutes when finally she glanced over my shoulder, stared at it for about 3 seconds, and announced the answer to me like it was the most obvious thing in the world. After that Courtney became my tutor and helped me get an A in that class. We spent all summer studying, quoting and watching Dane Cook, and she became my partner at organizing inventory at work (where she kicked my ass like always). She kept me sane and she kept me from failing many times, and it didn't take long for me to realize how much substance lay beneath the blatantly obvious awesomeness.

Courtney is deep. So deep. She feels everything deeply, and when she loves she loves deeply. When she lets you into your heart, don't take that lightly, because you are one lucky sucker. She will give you the greatest hugs and the greatest pep talks and a great listening ear. When you start giving up, she won't let you. She will give you gifts and defend you and show up at your job unexpectedly to surprise you. She is tough on the outside, but when she lets you in she is tender and sweet and amazing.

Every time I'm with Court I just calm down and feel myself breathing easier. With her I laugh hard and talk deep and snuggle next to her on the couch and she medicates me better than any antidepressants. She is true to herself and true to others and always inspires me to keep going when I think I can't. She has not just survived more than me, but overcome and built something beautiful with her life. Thank you for dragging me along when I want to sit still, and making me laugh when I want to cry. You are a beautiful, loving and compassionate creature and I have learned so much from you. I'm so happy you're in my life. You're never walking out of it.

(hur hur hurrr. it squishamahfacelikedis)

Rachel Elizabeth Dreyer

My birthday is 2 weeks from tomorrow. And I decided to use the month of October to appreciate all the birthday gifts I already have. For the next month, I will be paying tribute to many of the things that make my life worth living. That give me a reason to live another year. Friendships, music, happy and beautiful parts of my life. The moments and memories and joy in the pain. In no particular order, just little by little.

I'm gonna start with my beautiful friend Rachel.

This girl. Where do I even start? 

I moved back from Washington 4 years ago and, although I haven't lost touch with a lot of people, Rachel and I have actually managed to grow closer in spite of the distance. Every time I can't sleep, can't think straight, can't figure out what to do with my feelings, It's as simple as a text, and there she is, calming me down, brutally honest, always capable of seeing through my eyes and giving me hope. We have carried each other's burdens, fought each other's battles when we felt too weak, and I know I can always count on her to just get me. Our feelings are often in sync, and it takes very little to explain what I'm going through; she just KNOWS.

Rachel is like a lake. At first glance, the beauty is apparent. After some observation and time spent, you get a sense of peace and stillness. But once you really start exploring, you will find depths and surprises and life and struggles and miracles you never expected. She is so multifaceted and relatable, she loves and feels deeply, and fights quietly but with a great strength. She is there for my lowest of lows and highest of highs, even at a distance. Her smile and laughter are intoxicating, her soul is inspiring, her love is real. She has been and continues to be an amazing gift in my life, and keeps me from regretting so many stupid decisions I made, because our friendship is worth forgetting regrets. 

Someday, maybe I can write something worthy of you, Rach. For now, know how much I love you. I wouldn't be the same without your friendship, and my life would be so much darker. Thank you for your sunshine and your rain and your words and hugs and laughs. AHLAHVYAHSAHMAHCH.

xox

It's been a long night and a long day and a long week and a long month. It's been a long year. The most painful and most magical of my life so far. Most of the time I've been angry or indignant, as is well deserved for the way you treated me. But today, I miss you. I miss your scent and the shape of your body and the warm brown gaze of your eyes in mine. I'm thinking of when we first met. How you taught me that sometimes no matter how much you love and want someone, you can still hold back and wait for them to be ready to accept it. How you taught me that it was possible to give and receive love, to vulnerably offer myself to someone and not be pushed away or used or rejected or hurt. How you made me feel worth something. I thought losing you would negate all the good things.  I thought losing you would tear away my sense of worth. And it's true it has been difficult. It's been the most difficult thing I have ever had to experience. It has challenged my sense of self-worth, and made the good things painful to recall. But you can't undo four years in a month; you can't undo the pain caused, and likewise I can't undo the gifts you gave me.

I've lain in bed all day, slain by sleep. Exhausted and happy and sad. Yesterday drained me. It was the best and worst day. Walking the same halls I used to walk with you, with only your ghost, a broken heart and an empty hand. Meeting my “favorite” musician without my real favorite musician, you, by my side. You should have been there. But you weren't. Thoughts of you were the only thing keeping me awake as I drove home at 4am. Funny how the same force that made me want to take my own life one short month ago was saving me by keeping the car from going off the road. And when I finally fell into bed your face invaded every dream.

I spent all morning unready to wake up. I passed the day tossing and turning, wrestling against memories of you where I used to wrestle for sleep, pressed against your body. And when I finally couldn't sleep anymore, I lay on my pile of unfolded laundry in the living room, fighting the desperate need for a change of pace, a breath of fresh air. But I couldn't avoid looking out the window and seeing pink streaked across the darkening sky, color stains shaped like the old scars I carved into my wrists long before I met you. It is the last night of September. I followed the clouds out the door and into my car.

Before I knew it I was back in the park where it all ended. Walking with the soles of my feet bared, the very path I walked with my soul and heart bared one month ago, stopping behind the bush where you refused to meet my gaze, tearing out grass as I bled saltwater from my body, begging you for answers. I sat where you sat then. I tried to feel what you might have felt. I watched the sun set in the sky, a beautiful and colorful ending to the most painful month of my life, and I thought of the sun setting, beautiful and colorful, on the pain we caused each other.

Now I'm the one tearing the grass from the ground, my heart straining against meeting your memories. My eyes are dry, my lips mumble the lyrics to a La Dispute song as it resonates through the empty field out of the speakers in my phone, and I whisper but I want to scream.

I want to be tugging your hair in passion, not the grass in pain. I want to be whispering in your ear, not the empty air; I want to know if you've been here since that day. My heart says no. I want to know if you've missed me for one second or if you have sunk fully beneath the ripples of lies and fake friendships, never to return. And every day until now I've hoped you'll never return. But now I do. I do, I do, I do. I want you to return. Not to me but to a place of peace and hope. I see the darkness in your eyes. You can't hide from me. No Instagram filter covers the pain and sadness I see etched in the lines of your face. They are a truth not even you could conceal from me. Your pain is far more familiar to me even than my own.

I'm covered in bug bites. The sky is completely black. Normally I'd be terrified and frustrated and running back to my car. But I sit. I sit. I talk to you like you're dead. Because the you I knew is never coming back. And I can almost taste you, I can almost feel you, I can almost reach you. But you're a little too distant. A little beyond my grasp. I'm not your savior anymore. And you're not my hero.

I walk with bare feet on the wet grass, slowly back to my car. The story isn't over. But this chapter is.

It's cold and raining out. I've had my windows open all day, and the rain has been blowing in and landing on me and my things. And I haven't even made an effort to shut it out. Because I'm completely enjoying it.

That's something I have learned to do this summer. I've been forced to slow down, and in slowing down I have noticed so many sunsets, fluffy clouds, all the different scents and feels of the air. Without being able to really afford new clothes or many time consuming activities to be involved in, I have had to enjoy the beautiful things that already exist around me, the things that are free. 

Nature is something I always appreciated and respected as a child. I would take a book and binoculars and a journal and climb a tree, or wander into the middle of a corn field and just sit and watch nature. The trees swaying in the wind, the birds flying over me, I could be completely lost in my imagination until dark. And I had forgotten about the way that felt.

Sometimes, your warm bed isn't enough without cool raindrops splashing on your face. Sometimes your ideal relationship isn't enough and you have to take a painful but refreshing journey into reality to really appreciate the things that last. I want to get back to my roots. Right now I'm remembering how to write again just to help myself survive. But when I get over this hump of pain, I hope I can go deeper than that. I hope I can learn to thrive in the way that is the most natural for me. I hope I don't need to deny my identity and immerse myself in something fleeting just to look for happiness. I hope no matter how busy I look, I'll never forget to look up at the sky. I'm so much smaller than I think I am, and my problems are smaller still, because they do not define me. 

I'm taking a world religion's class, and the one thing that every religion we have studied so far seems to have in common is the need for stillness. Call it meditation, prayer, whatever you want. I think there's something to that. No matter what god you serve, if you want to be focused and renewed, you have to be still. Maybe to heal you have to be still. To learn you have to be still. That is what nature gives me. Stillness. I hope I never lose it.

I'm so good at procrastinating.
Really, it's impressive.
First, I thought I was cool because I wrote a 6 page persuasive essay over 2 days this weekend. But I just really blew my own mind and wrote a 4 page paper about Buddhism in an hour.
I mean, I guess I need to wait for my grades before I get excited, but I still feel pretty awesome.
The only close male friend I had is moving tomorrow. Went out to dinner one last time tonight. It had been over a month.
It just makes me so frustrated with myself. I try to cherish relationships and pour myself into them and always make time. But he was here all along and I didn't make time in my schedule for him until he was leaving. I have done stuff like that all my life, I suppose we all do. As Buddhism indicates, the disease of humanity is our drive for self-satisfaction. It is from this drive that blossoms the majority of our pain and suffering. There is so much evidence in my life of it.
But then again, I am not a Buddhist, and selfishness is at the core of humanity and in many ways, in all life. I suppose having my own life going on isn't something to feel guilty about. Maybe it's just being more aware of my time and taking care to invest it in the most worthwhile places. Depression can be socially crippling. Sometimes its hard to answer that phone when it rings, even if I desperately want to. It's hard to leave my home and go elsewhere, because people are draining when they aren't in your pain with you and they don't understand. But those are the decisions that will keep my eyes off of myself long enough to love others, and not have regrets.
Just one more punch to depression. Someday, I'll get there.

Dear ex,
I am sure your new girlfriend has already been made aware of her job description for the 4 weeks that you've already been dating and making pathetic and weak attempts to cover it up so you wouldn't look like you were such a shitty boyfriend to me. But, as with all new jobs, I'm sure she isn't fully aware of all the benefits that come with dating you. Therefore, I decided to take it upon myself to list them, as someone who is severely regretting this failed opportunity as I look for a new job position whose needs I am better suited to fill:

Your inability to communicate in a healthy way
Your lack of response when someone is seeking affirmation
Your refusal to buy flowers
Your refusal to write love notes or cards of any kind
Your know-it-all attitude
Your laziness in everything, I mean everything you do
Your lack of good oral hygiene
Your lack of commitment
Your lack of motivation
Your emotional instability
Your financial instability
Your impressive ways of using the people in your life who love you most
Your inconsistencies
Your refusal to hold a girl when she needs it most
Your uncanny skills of promising something and then never following through
Your refusal to take care of anyone besides yourself
Your cheapness
Your selfishness
Your immaturity
Your reluctance to hold hands in public
Your lack of desire to ever do anything, other than eat and play video games
Your cowardice
Your lack of empathy
Your irresponsibility
Your lies
Your lies
Your lies
Your lies
Your lies
Your lies
Your lies.

Good luck to the both of you in this new endeavor.
xoxo